Trigger warning: the story below may contain triggering/and or sensitive material. Sexual assault, sexual violence, rape, drugs, alcohol, and abuse are some of the topics mentioned throughout. The below story is shared in hopes to raise awareness on sexual assault. Many victims and survivors feel that sharing their story, or even just portions of their story, has empowered them and has been a key part of their healing and activism. The following stories were shared by survivors of sexual assault on the Issued Team. The rawness and vulnerability in these narratives speak to the courage and strength of survivors on our team, and beyond. May these words encourage all of us to remain steadfast in the fight to end sexual violence.
My freshman year of college was definitely a learning experience, the way that everyone’s should be. Everyone is just barely an adult trying to figure out how to navigate life and having small failures along the way.
One of my “failures” was around three or four months into my first semester. It was a Thursday or Friday night, and my best friend and I had decided to stay in and take some shrooms. Well, at least that was our plan until a few of our friends had begged us to come to a frat party with them an hour or so after we had taken the shrooms. We agreed to the bad idea and decided to make it an even by adding weed, Adderall, and alcohol in the mix. In short, our whole group had about three or four drugs running through our bloodstreams.
Surprisingly enough, nothing bad happened at the frat house but we wanted to go back to the dorms to get higher than we already were. As we were walking back, one of us started craving a cigarette so the new mission before going home was to find cigarettes. Almost like God heard us, a boy I had met on a dating app a few weeks back Snapchatted me a selfie with a cigarette in his mouth. I knew he lived in the dorm next to my friends and I lived in the dorm next to us, so I asked if we could meet up in front of the dorms and bum a cigarette or two off of him. He agreed and said that he would be there in a few.
Everything was going great when we met up with him. We were all smoking, talking, laughing, and overall just having a good time. After we finished the cigarettes we decided to go into the dorm and hang out with my best friend's boyfriend who was chilling out and smoking weed in her room. To repay the favor for the cigarettes, I invited the boy inside with us to use our bong or just hang out. After spending some time with my best friend and her boyfriend, he made it clear that he wanted to leave and give them some time alone as they were practically on top of each other already.
He asked me if I wanted to smoke the last few cigarettes he had outside and I drunkenly agreed. To make it even worse, I don't think I was coherent enough to let my best friend or my roommates know where I was going. Despite how high I was, I felt relatively safe as he was sober and my friends knew who I was with so I went back outside with him.
We sat on the field in front of our dorms and just talked and smoked for hours. It was finally around 4 A. M. when he insisted we go back to his dorm because my roommates were sound asleep and his roommate was nowhere to be found. When we got back to his room, the mushrooms I had taken hours earlier really started to kick in. I was in a complete psychedelic state when he began to kiss me. I was in a full-blown panic, seeing visuals every time I shut my eyes once he started to penetrate me. I stayed silent and just waited for it to be over.
After he finished, it was around 5 A. M., I stayed in his bed with him trying to fall asleep but just kept hallucinating every time I closed my eyes. Once the sun finally came up, I got out of there as fast as I could and went back to my own dorm.
The craziest thing about it all was I didn't even realize I was sexually assaulted until my best friend said something about it a few months later. The realization clicked and I was shocked. I didn't feel like I was raped, but what that boy did was still not okay. This distinction is something that I still struggle with to this day. I now realize that sex on drugs may not always be just sex.
If this has happened to you or someone you know, call 567-SHATTER for support from Take Back The Night Foundation National Sexual Assault Legal Hotline, available 24/7 so you can immediately connect with a real person ready to help.